So, today I think I had one of those “ah-ha” moments. Seriously.
Little background on me: Believe it or not I totally used to be skinny. I never really had to work at it, I just was… but I also always had hips and thighs and that seriously bothered me. So in High School I decided I had to be skinnier and blah blah, and one diet led to another and that’s where my battle with food/controlling food began. Moms… unless your daughter is seriously overweight, don’t let your little girl diet in highschool. Her body is probably exactly how it is supposed to be.
Anyway, when I got pregnant it never occurred to me that I would gain a lot of weight. I sort of thought I’d just get a belly and then I’d have the baby and lose it all in a week – cause let’s all admit it… You totally know some woman who had exactly that happen… but you know what? That’s not normal, and yay for her.
I gained 60lbs with Jude. 60. 60 FREAKING POUNDS. That’s a lot of pounds. :-)
So I had him, I lost the normal 20 ish that you lose in the first week and was left with 40lbs of stubborn weight. Then I got pregnant when Jude was only 6 months old. I had JUST started to lose some of the weight when I got pregnant. When I found out I was in the bathroom upstairs and I just cried…and cried… and cried. You want to know what my main reason for crying was? Not being at my goal weight and having to gain more. Superficial right? Here I was being blessed with another (unplanned, haha) pregnancy and I was crying about not being skinny. Definitely not the right mindset if you ask me.
Anyway, I gained about 30 with this pregnancy and was right back up to where I was when I had Jude. FUN.
So here I am now, with Jude who is 2 and a half and Joelle who is almost 16 months and I still have 15lbs to go. Not too bad, and in all honesty I haven’t done much of anything. Walks here and there, gym here and there, eating super well here and there… nothing consistent.
The thing is the feeling of being “fat” has been with me EVERY SINGLE DAY since I had Jude. I just can’t shake it. My body is so different and I don’t see the number I want to see. It’s become an obsession that I think about at least 5 times a day.
Anyway, I obviously love my children more than life itself. There is no doubt about that… but today… I was thinking about how I really should start going to the gym, and then finishing that thought with “Brooke, why didn’t you just go to the gym when she was 6 weeks old… you could be done with it” and so on…
Then I looked at Joelle, and I looked at Jude who was sitting right next to me. He looked at me, because he noticed me doing the creepy mama stare and just said “hi mama” in his sweet two year old raspy voice. Joelle then squeezed onto my arm and let out a sweet giggle-ish squeak. My heart sank – in the good way. God lifted this WEIGHT off of me. I looked at them and felt consumed and the words kept flooding my head that they were worth it. They were worth every pound. Every stretch mark. Every grey hair. Every sleepless night. Every new cellulite dimple. Every emotional breakdown I have because sometimes it’s just too much. They. ARE. Worth. It.
It’s not that I didn’t know this before… because I did. But I finally came to an extra realization of it today and I couldn’t be more blessed. I couldn’t be more honored to be a mama of two.
Here is a photo my friend Elise took a few weeks go. I so love my family. I don’t care if I’m not 125lbs. Who cares. Honestly, who really cares. :-) This is definitely a good thing to overcome.
Mamas: You are ALL beautiful. Look at what God has given to you! You do more than anyone else I know, and you all do it with grace. I’m always in awe of this role that we have. Ya’ll look GOOD. :-)